A Therapist’s Top 4 Holiday Hacks 

6 minute read

The lights are perfectly strung. It’s a sparkling winter wonderland outside. Kids are totally behaving. Family members are merrily conversing. Each dish tastes mouthwateringly delectable. You definitely have your s*** together. Everyone is just happy happy happy! 

….sound like your holiday season? 

No? 

You’re not alone. 

Really many of us have holiday seasons filled with stress, pressure, disappointments, tension filled interactions, grey dreary weather, waves of loneliness, and the smoke alarm blaring in the kitchen. 

The messiness of this season feels quite unavoidable. So I thought I’d share my top 4 holiday hacks to support your sanity this season. 

Holiday Hack #1: Identify and honor your needs.

Before attending or hosting a holiday event, pause and identify your needs. Ask yourself, “What do I need in order to support my wellbeing at this event?” 

Maybe you need a firm “leaving the event” time and a plan for how to get home. Maybe you need to stay in a hotel room and not a family member’s home. Maybe you need to remind yourself that you are not responsible for others’ happiness. Maybe you need to make a list of what is in and out of your control. 

Whatever it is, take a moment, write it down (in your phone or on a piece of paper) and honor the need. Following through with respecting the need builds trust and esteem within yourself. It’s a reminder that though you may not be able to control the entire situation, you know you have your own back. 

Pause + Identify Needs + Honor Needs = Peace

Holiday Hack #2: Accept others’ limitations.

You know that one aunt who always asks you why you’re not dating, married, and birthing your fourth child yet? Ugh yes, Aunt Janice. You know your friend at work who is probably going to drink too much and do something that’s inappropriate? Ugh, yes, co-worker Steve. Well Aunt Janice is probably going to ask you again why you’re not dating, married, and birthing your fourth child this holiday season. And co-worker friend Steve is probably going to drink too much and be inappropriate at the holiday party. 

Aunt Janice is going to Aunt Janice, and Steve is going to Steve. 

You cannot control what other people say or do. 

The more you practice accepting others’ limitations, the less disgruntled and suffering you’ll feel. 

Acceptance doesn’t mean liking something or agreeing with something, it is simply acknowledging the thing’s presence.

It also doesn’t mean resigning to the limitation. You get to express what you need around the situation and how you want to relate to the situation.

Maybe this year instead of feeling like you “have to” answer Aunt Janice’s questions, you can acknowledge you do not “have to” share about your life and instead offer a “Thanks for asking, I’m really enjoying my life!” and redirect with a question towards her.

Maybe this year instead of counting Steve’s drinks and trying to prevent him from embarrassing himself, you acknowledge he’s an adult who is responsible for himself. It’s not your job to babysit him, and you can mingle with other co-workers or leave the party.

People’s limitations are going to be there if they are not aware of them and do not want to change them. Instead of their limitation derailing you and your peace of mind, let their limitation be there and make a plan for how you want to relate or respond to the limitation. 

Zooming out and focusing on what you can control (your response, your proximity, your breath, etc) can go a long way with protecting your sanity. 

Practice accepting others’ limitations and remind yourself what’s within your control.

Holiday Hack #3: Notice the “compare” narrative in your mind. 

It’s really easy (and natural) for our minds to start to compare our gatherings, family dynamics, relationships, gifts, etc to others…especially during the holidays.

Consumerism demands we start preparing and buying for the “perfect” holiday season, now as early as Halloween (sometimes earlier…?!). The cheesy Christmas movies start churning out, reminding us that our holiday should be with a significant other. We start to see pictures of our loved ones’ “perfect” families wearing matching PJ’s smiling in wheat fields. We hear how others are getting their kids more extravagant gifts or just more gifts.

These messages put a lot of pressure on us to feel like our holidays “should” look and feel a certain way and that usually makes us feel pretty crummy….more therapeutically put, it can make us feel the shame and the unworthiness. 

When your mind does the natural thing and starts to compare to other people’s situations, practice noticing the “compare” story coming up and remind yourself that’s your mind just doing it’s natural thing and trying to protect you. Maybe it’s trying to protect you from embarrassment or sadness. Regardless, practice “thanking” your mind and let it know it’s being an overly helpful friend and that you also can tolerate any sadness or disappointment that comes your way. These emotions will come and go like the weather. (See my blog post here for support with emotions).

Another helpful response to the “compare” story is really asking yourself if you truly want what you’re comparing yourself to or if you feel like you “should want/have” what you’re comparing yourself to. If you notice you truly do want the thing, then perhaps the comparison is helping you clarify what you deep down truly want for your life…and if so, that’s great information you just gathered about yourself, so go you! Often though we just feel like we “should” want it and really what we’re comparing ourselves to doesn’t align with who we authentically are or want to be.

Practicing appreciation for what you do have is also quite helpful in unhooking from the “compare” story. Maybe you did not get your kids an international ski trip, but you are providing them with your undivided attention and presence while they’re home from school. Can you show yourself appreciation for offering such a gift?

Lastly, remember there’s no such thing as “the perfect holiday season.” We are all human and inherently imperfect, complex, and messy. Perhaps the Norman Rockwell Christmas may just be a snapshot of a much messier story. We’re all just trying the best we can.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt

Holiday Hack #4: Drink tea. 

Really? Yep! Tea can be a powerful way to ground yourself in the present moment. If you notice you tend to get overwhelmed or flooded during the chaos of this season, mindfully drinking tea can  help you find your footing. 

Notice the warmth of the cup in your hands, the sweet aroma wafting in the air, the color of the tea, the taste on your tongue, the sensation of the tea warming your chest. I find mindfully drinking a cup of tea turns down the volume of the chatter in my mind and the chaos around me.

Additionally it’s comforting to hold something warm AND you deserve some cozy kindness!

“When in doubt, just drink a cup of tea. “—Me.

Thinking of you all this holiday season!

With care,
Chrissy