Feeling Lonely Lately? You’re Not Alone. 

In May of 2023 the US Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, named that we are experiencing an “Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” in the US. It’s the first time a US Surgeon General called attention towards a public health crisis of loneliness and pointed to the severe physical and mental repercussions of chronic disconnection—including premature death. 

When I first heard about this new epidemic, I surprisingly felt a sense of relief. Loneliness and disconnection were themes in my personal and professional life and I was beginning to wonder—is this just my circle? Turns out it’s at least our entire country. By the end of this blog post you will have a greater understanding of loneliness, why we’re feeling it more than ever, and what small steps we can take towards connection and belonging. 

Is “loneliness” the same as “being alone?”

Dr. Murthy defines loneliness as a gap between the connections we need and the connections we have. He notes it’s a subjective state and is not about the number of people we have around us but more about how we feel about the quality of our connections. Dr. Murthy clarifies loneliness is different from solitude, which is often a more grounding, helpful, and pleasant experience. We don’t need to be alone to experience loneliness; sometimes we feel the most lonely when we’re around people we don’t meaningfully connecting with. 

To some extent, loneliness is a natural human emotion. I don’t know how to outsmart loneliness and shield myself from never experiencing it throughout the human lifespan. The NY Times created an excellent video noting how human and natural it is for us to feel lonely throughout our lives, spanning childhood to our elder years. We all feel it at different points—how nice to know we’re not alone and this feeling is a part of being a human. 

However, from my understanding Dr. Murthy is not encouraging Americans to never feel lonely ever—he’s pointing out the negative effects when unchecked loneliness leads to chronic and continued loneliness.

What does loneliness sound like?

Loneliness can show up a lot of different ways. Often times I hear loneliness manifesting as “I’ve been really busy,” or “I’m really exhausted.” Dr. Murthy notes it can also show up under the guise of irritability, anger, reclusiveness, depression, or anxiety. 

I can understand why we lean more towards expressing our worries or our tiredness instead of identifying, “I’m really darn lonely.” Expressing our worry, irritation, or busyness feels like the more obvious, lower hanging fruit than the sneaky, crouched crow of loneliness perched on a higher branch. 

Additionally, there can be a stigma and sometimes a feeling of shame when we say out loud, “I’m feeling lonely.” It’s as if we’ve “failed” some innate human task and now all fingers are pointing to ourselves, like it’s solely on us to not experience chronic loneliness. 

Is feeling more connected only on me?

In Dr. Murthy’s Advisory, he points to the numerous external and systemic factors that play a role in the Loneliness Epidemic. For example, he notes that Americans’ trust in each other and its major institutions have greatly decreased since studies done in the 1970’s and highlights how COVID played a large role in decreasing social interactions, decreasing the number of close friends we have, and increasing the minutes per day we spend alone.

The Advisory also explains how connection and loneliness is greatly influenced by the social infrastructure of our communities and how much they provide opportunities for social interaction throughout our lifespans. For example, do our communities have accessible parks, playgrounds, clubs, sports leagues, gathering places? Do our jobs have spaces for us to eat lunch or decompress together?

Furthermore, our communities are shaped by broader cultural norms, social policies, technology (smartphones, remote work, social media, AI, etc), politics, the economy, inequality, and discrimination. So no—it’s not just on us at the individual level to feel connection. 

Okay, so what can I do if I want to feel more connection?

If the broader systemic factors feel a bit more out of our control—don’t worry, there are some things we can do on the individual level that are more within our reach…things that we in fact could even do today including: 

• Take time each day to reach out to a friend or family member. Say, “Hi! How are you?”
• Practice being present with your people. Put your phone away or turn down the TV volume and really give someone your full attention and presence. 
• Help others out—whether it’s a friend, family member, or stranger. Remind people that good humanity is out there. Helping others usually feels good for you too. 
• Turn towards people who are reaching out to you. If someone reaches out, write or call them back. You don’t have to say yes to any commitments, but at least turn towards them and respond to the outreach.
• Step out of your usual circle of people and make connections with those from different walks of life from you. 
• Join a local group. Hit up your library, local Y or JCC, community center, yoga studio, religious institution, professional group, rec sports league, etc to cultivate a sense of belonging. 
• Check in with your relationship with your phone and social media. How do you physically and emotionally feel after an hour of going down a Youtube rabbit hole? How does scrolling through social media make you feel emotionally and about yourself? 
• Check in with your relationship with others and take an inventory of how healthy or unhealthy those relationships feel. 
• Say “Me too” if you’ve felt lonely lately and a trusted friend or family member shares they’re feeling lonely. There is power in knowing we’re not alone.
• Increase physical touch with a loved one. Hold their hand, give them a kiss, hold that hug for 10 seconds longer.  
• Ask for help when you’re struggling—whether that be from a friend, family member, therapist, or other trusted confidant.  

Want more ideas? There are additional examples of what you can do to increase feelings of connection on page 66 of Dr. Murthy’s Advisory. 

One of my favorite couples and family therapists, Esther Perel, is known for saying, “…it is the quality of your relationships that ultimately will determine the quality of your lives.” So wise and true, Esther. Connection is why we’re here and it’s what we’re wired for. What tiny step could you take today to feel more connected?

With care,
Chrissy