How do you make anxiety disappear?
(6 min read)
You may not like this answer but from my experience,
…you don’t make anxiety disappear. You actually accept that it’s here.
I know—it’s a bit underwhelming. And perhaps a bit infuriating if you’re looking for some instant relief. But read on to see what I mean.
We cannot “get rid” of anxiety nor should we necessarily want to. Anxiety has a biological purpose; it helps us identify potential future threats to keep us safe. It’s in the “fear” family of emotions, and we need fear to survive.
Fear helped our ancestors see the saber toothed tiger as a danger and allowed our species to live. We need a threat detector to survive and that is what anxiety and fear do for us. They keep us from snuggling with tigers, driving on the wrong side of the road, and getting into empty subway cars.
And at the same time, sometimes anxiety and fear can show up in ways that interfere with the way we want to live our lives. When this is the case, think of their presence as an invitation to get to know the anxiety and the fear in a different way.
What’s your current relationship with anxiety?
When anxiety shows up, we tend to put a lot of our focus on getting rid of the anxiety or decreasing the anxiety.
We can obsess over how to get rid of it (and fast!) and put our attention towards wishing it away. Before you know it, you’re Googling, “How to get rid of anxiety ASAP” while power walking to grab lunch between meetings and feeling overwhelmed with all the tips and tricks listed before you.
Or we pretend the anxiety isn’t there at all, sweep it under the rug, and usually later have a sob fest in the bathroom or a large, angry reaction to our co-worker and then wonder why we’re reacting this way.
Or we try to numb the anxiety by eating a whole cake in one sitting, pouring yet another glass of wine, or zoning out to a fourth episode of Love Island.
We can also panic and stress that the anxiety is present or judge ourselves for feeling anxious again. So now our single emotion of anxiety snowballed into this larger, heavier ball of emotions, ugh.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
What if instead of obsessing, pushing away, numbing, avoiding, or judging the anxiety we practice accepting the fact that anxiety is here. We may not like that it’s here and we may not agree with how long it’s here, but we can practice allowing it to be here.
Accepting that anxiety is here
What if when anxiety knocks on our minds’ door, we look out the window and acknowledge, “Ah yes, anxiety is here.” And then instead of dead bolting the door shut and closing the drapes, we open the door and allow the anxiety to walk in. And what if instead of spraying the anxiety with pepper spray, we invite it to sit on our couch and accommodate the anxiety with a warm cup of comforting tea. Your anxiety has probably been working really hard for you and needs a soft place to rest. Finally what if we offer the anxiety some appreciation. What if we notice it’s been trying to protect us and has been on our team the whole time; it’s not our enemy.
In the therapy world of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), these are called the “4 A’s of Acceptance.”
- Acknowledge
- Allow
- Accommodate
- Appreciate
It’s this idea that once we accept the fact that we are experiencing anxiety and offer it some compassion like you would to a friend in distress, we can drop the struggle with the anxiety.
When we’ve stopped the wrestling match with the anxiety or the dissociation from the anxiety, it frees our mind and body to take action towards living out our dearest values. We can go for that run, we can enjoy dinner with a loved one, or we can act with courage. The anxiety may still be there next to us, but it is no longer getting in the way of us living our lives.
IRL
For example, I recently took singing lessons and boy was I afraid. All of the nerves that come with the vulnerability of performing were surfacing and all of the stories around how “Chrissy can’t sing,” were flooding my mind. The more I focused on my fear, the smaller my voice sounded.
I’ll let you in on a secret—sometimes therapists don’t always remember to use the very tools they offer clients each day. I know—the horror!
Thankfully, my vocal teacher reminded me, “The fear isn’t going away. So just let it be there. Imagine it sitting next to you on stage in a comfy reclining chair.”
And right away, my voice was fuller again.
She reminded me of the 4 A’s—acknowledge the fear, allow it to be there, accommodate it, and remember it’s your ally. Give it some comfort, a hug, some compassion. It’s trying to protect you and you can tell it, “Thank you so much for all of your work and right now I need you to take a seat next to me over here.”
My vocal teacher then inquired, “Why is singing important to you?” She helped re-ground in my why, what matters most to me, what’s in my heart. And encouraged me to lead with my why vs with my fear. When we drop the struggle with the fear, we make space to come from an embodied place of authenticity and pursue what matters most to us.
Kind reminder, the 4 A’s aren’t just to be used with anxiety. You can practice using them with any uncomfortable feelings you are experiencing. Struggling when a wave of sadness comes and trying to avoid it? Practice using the 4 A’s. Acknowledge the sadness is knocking on your mind’s door. Allow it to come in. Accommodate the sadness with a blanket, a hug, some empathy (“Of course you’re sad about losing your dog”), or a curiosity of “What do you need?”
And if you’re noticing practicing all 4 A’s is just too much, start with the first two: Acknowledge and Allow.
Interested in changing your relationship to uncomfortable feelings?
Reach out to me via my “Connect” page and let’s set up a consultation to see if we could be a good fit. You don’t have to be in an endless battle with your anxiety. Let’s change your relationship with it together.
Keep being human,
Chrissy
