How Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Brings Couples Closer 

(4 min read)

Wouldn’t it be great if there was an evidenced-based therapeutic modality that truly helps couples step out of repetitive arguments and hear each other in a different way? 

Good news—there is!

Dr. Sue Johnson, a psychologist, developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) after years of working with couples and recognizing that romantic love is fundamentally about attachment needs and emotional bonding. 

In her book, Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson advises couples to “Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions.” Instead, she says it’s imperative for couples to acknowledge that we’re emotionally attached to and dependent on our partners—much like a child depends on a parent for “nurturing, soothing, and protection” (Hold Me Tight, p. 7).

We’re Actually a Dependent Species 

Even though Western culture celebrates independence and “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps,” adult humans are evolutionarily wired for social, emotional, and physical connection; we need it to survive. 

We don’t just need food, shelter, and water. We also need love. We need comfort from one another. We need to know someone is there for us. 

If you took a Psych 101 class, perhaps you remember Harlow’s experiments with the baby monkeys and “contact comfort.” When given the choice between a wire “mother” that provided food and a soft, cloth “mother” with no food, the baby monkeys chose the soft, carpeted one almost every time. 

These experiments also revealed the devastating effects of isolation. Monkeys raised without connection grew into adults who couldn’t solve problems nor read social cues, and became, as Dr. Johnson describes, “depressed, self-destructive, and unable to mate” (Hold Me Tight, p. 20). 

The takeaway: we genuinely need one another—for survival and for thrivival (my made up word for the state of “thriving”). Turning to others for emotional comfort is a sign of strength—not weakness. 

When we’re disconnected from others, especially our partners, loneliness increases, and our physical and emotional health suffers. Research shows that isolation raises our blood pressure and cortisol (stress hormone) levels, suppresses the immune system, and increases the risk of heart disease. In fact, lacking social connection is as dangerous as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. 

Isolation, high conflict, and hostile criticism from loved ones can also deepen self-doubt, foster helplessness, and heighten hyper-vigilance—all significant contributors to depression and anxiety. 

On the flip side, connecting with a loved one floods our bodies with oxytocin and vasopressin hormones, which in turn boosts dopamine and lowers cortisol (stress) levels.

As Dr. Johnson writes, “Love is not the icing on the cake of life. It is a basic primary need, like oxygen or water. Once we understand and accept this, we can more easily get to the heart of relationship problems” (Hold Me Tight, pg 27). 

EFT Gets Us Back to Our Roots of Bonding

EFT is structured around seven conversations between partners, each designed to foster emotional responsiveness. Dr. Johnson measures our emotional attunement through three components, captured in the question: A.R.E. you there for me?

• A – Accessibility: Can I reach you? Are you open to your partner even when you feel hurt or doubtful?

• R – Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally? Do you send clear signals of comfort and care?

• E – Engagement: Do I know you value me and will stay close? Do you give your partner a quality of attention you give no one else?

Are you emotionally Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged with your partner?

EFT’s seven conversations guide couples in expressing their deeper, softer emotions and needs to one another, repairing old wounds, and building new ways of relating. 

Conversations 1-3 reduce tension by helping couples identify and interrupt negative patterns, thus creating safety between partners: 

1. Recognizing the Demon Dialogues—Identifies the damaging communication cycle you’re caught in and how each partner’s reactions escalate the conflict. 

2. Finding the Raw Spots—Uncovers the deep, underlying feelings driving those reactions.

3. Revisiting a Rocky Moment—Replays a specific conflict to examine the moves within your cycle.

Conversation 4 is the turning point. It’s the transformative conversation that shifts couples from negative patterns to positive ones: 

4. Hold Me Tight—Engaging and Connecting—Explores what you fear most of and what you most need from each other. 

Conversations 5-7 of EFT help couples build and sustain a new way of connecting: 

5. Forgiving Injuries—Addresses attachment wounds and supports both partners in healing them together.

6. Bonding Through Sex and Touch—Links emotional safety to physical intimacy and explores meaningful ways to connect through touch.

7. Keeping Your Love Alive—Creates a “road map” for carrying your connection forward, beyond the therapy room.

This is a brief overview of Dr. Johnson’s seven conversations. To learn more about EFT, you can visit her website or explore her books. 

EFT is a clinically proven modality that helps couples build emotional safety and discover new ways of relating to one another. EFT can be used in virtual and in person sessions. If you’re curious about EFT or interested in couples sessions that incorporate this approach, I’d love to hear from you. Please reach out to me via my Connect page. 

With care,
Chrissy