How to Handle Unsolicited Comments During your Fertility or Pregnancy Journey
(4 min read)
People don’t always say the right thing during a fertility and pregnancy journey. Family, friends, coworkers, even strangers often have strong opinions about contraception, fertility, IVF, and pregnancy. Unfortunately many people tend to feel comfortable sharing these thoughts, even when nobody asked.
Most of the time, these comments come from a genuine place of care or a desire to connect; however, intention and impact don’t always match. A well-meant comment can sear someone going through a fertility journey. What feels like a neutral opinion to the person saying it can land as a personal attack to the person hearing it.
Examples of Comments That Miss the Mark
I’ve heard people share opinions about what someone “should do” with unused embryos: “Oh, let me raise the embryos! Don’t get rid of them!”
I’ve heard comments about a pregnant person’s appearance and body: “You’re definitely carrying a girl. Girls ‘steal’ your glow.”
I’ve heard unsolicited judgments about baby names: “No! You don’t want to name your baby that!”
I’ve heard unasked for advice. “You don’t want to bottle feed, you want to breast feed.” “You don’t want a C-section, you want a vaginal birth.” “You don’t want that crib, you want this kind of crib.” The list could go on here…
I’ve heard unprompted reflections from someone else’s pregnancy: “Oh you’re going to HATE being THAT pregnant in July. It’s the worst.”
And I’ve heard people share traumatic birth stories about nearly losing the baby or their own life—with a pregnant person who never asked to hear it.
I’ve been on both sides of these comments: the person who said the cringey or hurtful thing, and the person on the receiving end of the “compliment,” advice, or opinion. It sucks all around. Of course you don’t want to offend or hurt someone, and of course you don’t want to hear comments like these yourself.
As a good friend of mine put it: some thoughts are meant to be kept inside. Yep.
So if you’re the one navigating a fertility or pregnancy journey, how do you deal with all of this unsolicited advice and opinion (other than hiding from everyone in your life)?
You can:
- Try not to take these comments personally.
- Set healthy boundaries with the people making them.
Both are easier said than done, but practicing them can help you manage the anxiety, worry, or overwhelm that comes up, and protect the very individualized experience you’re going through.
Tip #1: Q.T.I.P. Quit Taking It Personally
Other people’s comments are usually a reflection of them— their lived experiences, beliefs, moods, and emotions in that moment. It’s so so hard to remember this in the moment, especially when you’re feeling incredibly raw from the very personal journey you’ve been on.
Even if you can’t remember this in real time, recalling it afterward can help you detach from the comment and stop yourself from ruminating about it for days on end.
The skill of mindfulness—noticing how you feel and observing what’s happening around you—can help you get to that “remembering” place faster. When a comment catches you off guard or hurts, you’re reacting from your emotional right brain. In that moment, it’s hard to logically register that the other person is speaking from their own experience, not yours.
Mindfulness helps bridge that emotional right brain with your logical left brain, landing you somewhere that sounds like: “Ouch, that comment really hurt. That wasn’t okay. That person might be using my pregnancy to process their own trauma, emotions, or beliefs. Their opinion isn’t a fact, and I don’t have to absorb it.”
Tip #2: Setting Healthy Boundaries
How do you know if you want to set a boundary with someone? Typically when…
- What’s being said or done isn’t okay with you.
- It’s affecting your relationship with that person.
- The person likely doesn’t realize the impact they’re having on you.
- Staying silent will keep affecting you going forward.
If any of this sounds familiar, it may be time to set a boundary. As writer and teacher, Prentis Hemphill poetically states, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” You can think of “boundary” as another word for “need.” What do you need from this person? What is your request of them?
A warm but firm boundary might sound like, “I know you’re trying to connect, but I’d rather not hear comments about my body.”
A response to unsolicited advice might sound like, “I appreciate your concern, but that doesn’t work for me. I’ll figure it out on my own.”
And if the more diplomatic phrasing just isn’t landing, it’s okay to fall back on kindergarten-simple language: “Please stop.” “I don’t like that.” “That’s not okay to say to me.” “No thanks.” “Stop.”
It might feel awkward in the moment, but your future self will thank you.
If unsolicited comments during your fertility or pregnancy journey are weighing on you and you’d like support working through it, reach out to me via my Connect page. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
With care,
Chrissy
