If we’re not busy, what are we?

(4 minute read)

Several years ago I was checking out of my local bodega when the cashier asked the very human question, “How are you?” 

“I’ve been really busy lately,” I said quickly glancing at his eyes.

Honestly I was not present enough to identify how I was feeling that evening, as was often the case in that season of my life. My mind was in a million other places—a previous conversation that day, the dinner I had yet to eat, the calculation of daylight to go for a run, weekend plans, the “buzz” from my phone in my pocket, sizing up my purchase to see if it could fit in my purse, checking to see if I put my Metrocard back in my other pocket or if I dropped it again, did I want to get a chocolate bar too…I could go on.   

“Busy busy busy. Everyone is so busy,” he replied as he shook his head back and forth, non-verbally communicating “no.”

No—you’re not busy. Busy is not an identity.

No—you’re not busy. Busy is not an emotion. 

No—don’t let busy define you.

No—busy can be another word for dissociated, disembodied, distracted.

No—you’ll regret being really busy. 

His response could have meant so many things, but it was a micro interaction that struck me and has stuck with me to this day, years later. 

If we’re not busy, then what are we?

…Lazy? …Worthless? Is there an English word for in between “busy” and “lazy”?

It reminds me of Chastity’s line in Ten Things I Hate About You, “I know you can be ‘overwhelmed’ and you can be ‘underwhelmed,’ but can you ever just be ‘whelmed?’” Bianca replies, “I think you can in Europe.” 

You know, Bianca may have a point there. I digress…sort of. 

If you’ve ever had a therapy session with me, you know I look at the system or the environment that we are a part of and how it can impact the ways we think, feel, and act. 

You’ve probably heard me bring up the ever present hum of capitalism in our lives. When a society prioritizes the profit over its people and messages, “Your worth is contingent on your productivity,” then yes, many of us are going to be busy. In fact many of us will wear “busy” like a badge of honor and feel guilty if we’re not busy.

Or maybe you are in a place in your life where you have to be working more than one job to provide for yourself or your family. Or maybe you are parenting alone. Perhaps you’re not offered paid vacation, a proper paid family leave, or childcare benefits. You may have to be busy to literally survive.

Or maybe you grew up in a family that was incredibly chaotic and pandemonium became your familiarity. Or maybe you grew up in a family in which it was not safe to be present in your body and being busy kept you safe throughout your childhood. 

Chronic Busyness

So what happens when busy goes from a temporary state like a thunderstorm passing through to a more chronic state of existing? Our blood pressure can increase, our cortisol (stress hormone in our bodies) can spike, our adrenaline is at a constant 10, our resiliency to stress goes down, our window of tolerance becomes smaller, the anxiety goes up, the depression goes up, and we can feel “dissociated, disembodied, and distracted” in our lives and in our beloved relationships.

And we can go our whole lives that way. Really never being associated with the present. Never really being in our bodies. Never really noticing the tracks we’re on and absent mindedly following. 

On Being

…what would happen if when we felt “really busy lately” we could practice taking a pause?

And practice being with our inner worlds. And being with the sounds around us, the warmth of the sun on our face, the sensation of our feet touching the ground. (Read more about “being”, aka: mindfulness here).

What would happen if we slowed down enough to notice the lines on our hands when we washed them, to taste the minty flavor of our toothpaste, to feel the softness of our pets (who are living proof that your worth is not contingent on productivity). 

What would happen if we each took a P.A.U.S.E. (Postpone Action Until Serenity Enters) to notice the sadness in our partner’s eyes? Or sat in that awkward silence? Or held on to that email for 24 hours before hitting send? Or took a breath before answering someone’s ask of us?

Practicing the PAUSE

What would happen if we were still? And noticed our chest and bellies rise and fall? After about 10 breaths, we might just experience a shift. 

Try it out. Really. Right here. Sit up nice and tall, roll your shoulders back, put one hand on your heart and the other on  your stomach. And watch your belly inflate and deflate for 10 breaths.

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What thoughts or sensations do you notice? How do you feel?

Maybe, just maybe, a little less busy and a little more here. 

Interested in taking a longer pause? Therapy can be a great way to pause throughout your week and tend to your inner world. If you’re interested in working together, reach out here.

With care,
Chrissy