The 2 Books I Most Frequently Rec to Clients

(5 minute read)

The other weekend I was at a friend’s house having a cozy, craft night and one of my friends asked, “What book do you recommend the most often?” 

I thought about this for a minute, as I rarely recommend a single book to friends, and I truly don’t think I have a favorite book per se (outside of the Harry Potter series of course). But then I remembered how I recommend books to clients all of the time! 

So today I want to share the two books I recommend the most frequently to clients.

#1: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay Gibson

This was one of those books where I underlined, starred, and dog-eared the s*** out of it. If you look at my copy, you’d wonder, “Really? All of this was that important?” And my response would be—yes, it truly is that important. 

If you’ve struggled to emotionally connect with your parent, then this book is for you. 

Dr. Gibson succinctly describes in 200 pages what being “emotionally immature” means, how emotional immaturity gravely impacts our relationships, and how to take care of yourself if you have an emotionally immature parent. 

She’ll help you identify the 4 main types of emotional immature parenting, understand how their immaturity could be impacting you, and practice detaching from the emotional immature person in a way that is fair and considerate to them and to yourself. 

She doesn’t use a ton of clinical jargon; instead, she uses narratives from clients she works with to really help you understand the nuances of these kinds of dynamics.

Emotional Takeovers

My favorite quote from the book that I like to remind clients is: 

“Your guilt is not an emergency.” 

Has an emotionally immature parent ever made you feel “guilty” for doing or not doing something? How freeing is it to consider that when you feel that ping of guilt, you don’t immediately have to jump to assuage the other person? 

Their (most likely unconscious) guilt trippy communication does not mean you need to immediately appease them. Allow them to feel disappointed and allow yourself to practice sitting with the guilt, rather than immediately trying to avoid it.

My guess is you’ll eventually see you did not act outside your values, and you actually have nothing to feel guilty about. You’re allowed to honor your needs, boundaries, and desires.

And you’ll see that guilt is just like any other emotion; it comes and goes like weather.

One disclaimer I’ll add about this book: it may leave you wanting more “tools” or ideas for how to heal from an emotionally immature parent or person. If that’s the case, please check out Dr. Gibson’s sequel, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents.

#2: Atlas of the Heart by: Dr. Brené Brown

If the extent of your current emotional vocabulary is I feel “mad,” “sad,” or “glad,” this book is for you.

I’ll be honest—this book isn’t a ready breezy like the one mentioned above. It’s more of a reference book. BUT. It is SO SO vital to laying down the foundational groundwork for understanding your emotions and your inner world. 

It truly is an “atlas.” 

The book maps out the various emotions we feel throughout our lives and looks at emotions not as “good” or “bad” but truly as messengers, trying to tell us something and offering meaning and insight into our lives. 

Dr. Brown accessibly offers 80+ tangible definitions of emotions in this book in order to give us the researched correct language to describe our experiences and therefore allow us to accurately describe how we feel to ourselves and others. 

Language shapes how we feel

When we can use the exact word that correctly represents what we’re feeling, it helps us gain better insight into ourselves and helps us better respond to what we’re feeling.

For example, what if you made a mistake in a work email and noticed you were feeling “bad” about it? If you approached the “bad” with curiosity and got more granular with “bad,” you might notice that you feel “embarrassed,” “guilty,” or “shame.” All three of those emotions have different meanings and could activate different thought processes and narratives in your mind. 

If you can accurately identify which of the three emotions you’re feeling, then you have more power around the chatter and meaning making you might be doing. 

As a cheat sheet, check out these three emotions’ bite-sized definitions:

Embarrassed: “I feel self-conscious discomfort over something small that was witnessed by others.”

Guilt: “I did something bad. I did something wrong.”

Shame: “I am bad. I’m a bad person.”

Think about how different your thoughts around the mistake would be if you could identify, “I feel embarrassed because I made that mistake” vs. “I feel like I’m a bad person because I made that mistake.” 

Language helps us connect

Additionally, when we can use the right words to describe what we’re feeling to others, it gives them clues as to how to respond to us. 

For example, if one of your go-to emotional vocabulary words is “sad,” think about how differently a friend might respond when you share with them…

“I feel sad.”

vs. 

“I feel despair.”

vs. 

“I feel grief.”

They would most likely alter their response based on the word you use and could therefore impact their ability to understand and connect with you.

If reading isn’t your thing, Dr. Brown has a HBO Special breaking down this book with lots of images and video clips. This could be a great option for more visual learners. 

There you have it, my top two most frequently recommended books to clients. If you want to start working on your relationship with your parent or yourself, highly rec Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and if you want to start gaining deeper insight into your inner world, highly rec Atlas of the Heart.

And if reading doesn’t sound like a good option right now and you’d rather explore what’s going on with a therapist, check out my website and reach out!

With care,
Chrissy